50. Where in the World is Bob the BA?
Dear friends, colleagues, family and all the rest of the thousands of you that have followed my career, in the words of Monty Python, “I’m not dead yet!”. However, I would be telling you a lie if I did not say I am getting closer. First things first, a few weeks ago the company that owns the domain space screwed up the billing, and as a result it took over two weeks to get it back on track so the website was usable. We moved to a new service to correct the problem. Having said that, in the interim I have seen a decline in my health. I of course, had 5 billion more videos I had planned to do, and I am still hopeful of doing several more, just not this week.
So for those of you that may go through this someday, here are some things you need to know about liver failure. Yes, I have colon cancer but the cancer spread to the liver, lungs, and lymph nodes, and liver failure is going to be my downfall. One of the things that you will go through is called ascites. It is the buildup of fluid in your stomach and surrounding area. Basically, you start to look very pregnant and your stomach becomes very hard. Your liver will become enlarged and slowly over time ceases to perform its function. Additionally, fatigue will settle in, and you will start losing your desire to get anything done, in favor of just sleeping all the time. You will also experience stomach upset, an ever-changing palate, and that will lead to a lack of appetite. Confusion is next on the list, and you will likely confuse basic terms or ideas with something else. For example, the other day I could not articulate the Statue of Liberty, and it kept coming out as the Empire State building. WTF? So bizarre. Also, you would think you would be losing weight left and right at this stage, but with the ascites you can actually gain weight from the fluid buildup. On a side note, being a larger person edema has always been a problem for me, but not anymore! I have the ankles have an 18-year-old athlete. :-) So I have lost weight but I gained it elsewhere.
So yes, I have experienced all of these things recently, and we are trying to figure out the best approach going forward. No, I don't know exactly how much time I have left and neither do the doctors and nurses. It is very much a day by day thing. It could be somewhere between four and 20 weeks, or it could be three days because my body just made the decision to say no more. Not knowing of course is the hardest thing of all. This will be my biggest challenge in patience for sure.
One of the hardest things is dealing with the uncontrollable crying. I have searched and searched trying to figure out what the root cause could be. I just had to stop for five minutes as tears just keep flowing. LOL I think the root cause is that I am sad because I don't want to let anyone down. Yes, I just had another crying jag after that one sentence. Stop the madness! Yes, I know I'm not letting anyone down. It's cancer for cripes sake! However, you will find you dwell on and think about the plans for the future, the opportunities never realized, the schemes, the joy and so much more, and you can't help wonder what would have happened, what could have happened, what SHOULD have happened. Well boohoo Bob. Woulda, coulda, shoulda has never been in my vocabulary so I just need to let it go and stop crying over the things I cannot control. Regardless of your religious beliefs or your universal approach, we know on some level things are set in motion and we forge ahead as best we can.
So what else can I tell you about my life right now? I still sing every day. Just not with a ton of energy LOL. I've decided to stop cannabis for the most part right now. Although it's great for anxiety, I have not really felt any other effects that are positive. For the most part I have just felt worse. Granted maybe it would help with those uncontrollable crying jags LMAO!
In honor of the US open here as a tennis joke. Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
And a rare Bible joke from me… And the Lord God said unto John come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and got a toaster.
More as I know it everyone. Be well, be safe, and let's show the rest of the world how to live with love and joy in our hearts and not the extraordinary amount of hate that our leadership demonstrates on a daily basis.
X O Bob